tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62747847721878910662024-03-05T20:59:03.301+00:00BexThortsLearning to Live Life!Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.comBlogger194125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-27125570171344956932013-07-01T11:55:00.002+01:002013-07-01T11:55:58.843+01:00Contemplation Monday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi45g3BKiGJNqimQP40jN7o2NYhwU9N_zFzxHsnS7dqqG81dAHvtqGAKgA5o2031x4Ih7nEmY69MuL7TjkxvwtctQni3uIThZ8qxvnqAl6mFfKYuY_SwnzmOr8rQQfKSlck1EEnx-hkF-66/s1600/DSCI2928.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi45g3BKiGJNqimQP40jN7o2NYhwU9N_zFzxHsnS7dqqG81dAHvtqGAKgA5o2031x4Ih7nEmY69MuL7TjkxvwtctQni3uIThZ8qxvnqAl6mFfKYuY_SwnzmOr8rQQfKSlck1EEnx-hkF-66/s400/DSCI2928.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>
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In many ways I am very lucky to be able to set aside a day just to be by myself, to contemplate where I am in life, how I want to move forward. This is something I do every Monday.<br />
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I take time to meditate. Do a bit of yoga. Have a long hot bath and do all those little personal grooming jobs that are easily neglected (hairy legs, I'm looking at <i>you</i>!)<br />
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I write in <a href="http://evenlodesfriend.com/2013/04/19/journal-friday-why-keep-a-journal/" target="_blank">my journal.</a> Do my <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Organizer-Womans-Guide-Mindful/dp/1577315545/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1372676031&sr=1-1&keywords=jennifer+louden" target="_blank">Life Organizer</a>. Consider the issues that are coming up for me that the moment. This is often the time that I realise what is the underlying issue prompting my 'pain of the week' or other physical symptoms I may be having, or even whatever emotion I have been suppressing. <br />
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I also try to spend some time outside, because I find that helps to ground me in my body, which is primary trigger for personal growth in my world.<br />
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Having a whole day to myself to set my intention for the week, the month, the season, the year, my life, is, I recognise, an enormous privelige. I wonder if a morning, or even an hour set aside once a week, could be a good habit to develop for you. A little 'Me' time. Time to remind yourself who you are and what you really want amidst all the busybusybusy of 21st century life. I have to say, I find it incredibly helpful, and I highly recommend it.Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-36800485158165242392013-04-25T13:09:00.002+01:002013-04-25T13:09:27.630+01:00A Bit of a Review As you know, I had made three goals for Dragon Month this year. Dragon Month ended on Tuesday, 23rd April - St George's Day - which was two days ago, and I have been thinking about how I've been doing.<br />
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-size: large;">1. Cutting Down on Sugar</span></span><br />
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I was getting rather despondent about this because my chocolate addiction has been dogging every step. Originally we decided to stop eating chocolate, but I just couldn't manage it. Our regular habit has been to have some chocolate after our evening meal, and we have been enjoying Ritter Sport mint bars, which are dark chocolate squares filled with a white minty fondant. But it occurred to me that there was probably far more sugar in the fondant than there would be in squares of standard 70% cocoa mass dark chocolate, so we have switched over to that.<br />
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Doing this has also made me think about the hidden sugars that I consume. I do drink squash, Ocean Spray Cranberry and Raspberry cordial to be precise, but its very sweet, so I have been consciously trying to cut down that, only having a glass with my lunch and supper, instead of drinking it in between meals.<br />
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I am also shocked by the amount of sugar in the various sauces I use for cooking. I try to make our main meals from scratch, so that I know what goes into them, but really I am amazed by the amount of sugar and sugar derivatives that go into the odd extras I put in, so I am trying to keep a careful eye on that.<br />
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As far as cakes and biscuits go, its a real success story for me! I haven't bought any, and although we did have some lovely gluten free cake to take home from a dinner party the other night - huge thanks, Jasmin, it was delicious - I am definitely winning on this one.<br />
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-size: large;">2. Eating <span style="font-size: large;">M</span>ore <span style="font-size: large;">V</span>eggies</span></span><br />
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The other day, The Beast arrived.<br />
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My dear friend M offered to lend us her juicer. She mentioned that it was rather complicated, but I didn't expect it to be, well, I can't think of a better word than <i>industrial</i>.<br />
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Its so impressive I may have to write it a special blog post to do it proper justice.<br />
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We <i>have</i> been eating more vegetables, I have to say. I have been making soups for lunch, which is a great way to get fresh veg and nutrients inside you in easily digestible form. I have also been meal planning to take account of eating less pasta and rice (we really don't eat potatoes at all), and it really has made a difference.<br />
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One evening, we 'fell off the waggon' and had a chinese takeaway. Not good. Up all night with tummy ache. That was a pretty good incentive to strive for a healthier diet.<br />
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I've also been very strict about the gluten-free side of my diet, which I had allowed to slip. I am not supposed to eat gluten becuase of my IBS, and yes, it does cause me problems. Now I am off it, I am amazed at how much low grade but constant discomfort I was tolerating just for the sake of a few cakes and doughnuts every now and again. It isn't worth it, and I intend to keep reminding myself of that in future.<br />
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-size: large;">3. Getting More Exercise</span></span><br />
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You won't be surprised to hear that this has been my graveyard. My ME intervened - first I had my period, which always exacerbates syptoms, and leaves me in bed for a couple of days. Then I had some dental work done, and the injections always leave me feeling weak. And then my hayfever came on, and like an idiot I took antihistamines, which I had forgotten make me feel like death. These all sound like excuses, and they are, but ME is what it is, and you can't force yourself to move when there is just no energy in your muscles. So not much bouncing or stretching has been achieved around here lately. But I am working on it. Even if I have to bounce up and down, spraying snot everywhere, for the next three months until my hayfever abates, I am NOT taking those tablets again!<br />
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-size: large;">Conclusion</span></span><br />
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I feel like I have made a big difference so far, even if I haven't done exactly what I set out to do. My diigestive system is back in good working order again, and that alone has been worth the effort. It is a sound foundation on which to build. And I intend to stick with these goals because I think they are the way forward to a healthier future. I'll keep you posted!Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-25979510701232469572013-04-22T13:06:00.001+01:002013-04-22T13:12:34.158+01:00Quote for Today<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeslx9QyB2kttNhi3zqo6Cbb9ORM-4X4685uHh-E_Ny4riLO_CgS2WnEAP3N_KfigDnMOcb7EdhazM_umqV2suDXQdfJhgFkQLyju7qanaJTSWL3aYq9VDF-1XsK9eyq5bNbSLmObXDW8u/s1600/DSCI2976.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeslx9QyB2kttNhi3zqo6Cbb9ORM-4X4685uHh-E_Ny4riLO_CgS2WnEAP3N_KfigDnMOcb7EdhazM_umqV2suDXQdfJhgFkQLyju7qanaJTSWL3aYq9VDF-1XsK9eyq5bNbSLmObXDW8u/s400/DSCI2976.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"> "Being positive does not mean being accepting of the negative, <span style="font-size: x-large;">o</span>r ignorant of the issues, or the world situation, or anything else. It means seeing the grace in as much as you can see."</span></span></div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Succulent-Wild-Woman-Dancing-Wonder-Full/dp/068483376X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366632711&sr=8-1&keywords=succulent+wild+women" target="_blank">Sark, 'Succulent Wild Woman: Dancing with your Wonderful Self'</a></div>
Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-79380674569513018362013-04-14T15:16:00.000+01:002013-04-14T15:16:09.544+01:00Dragon Energy Goals for April<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi45w-wDJk3qPZTbd_0_z9nTPFQAZegt8QWVxpvkWRD4VXB2CEHU5mmSGz3hiuUhxgDG7K8NYi3iDGwzkT5jjub4sMzO0K_TZrbayNXHURRCnpdyjDMyEvO9S4xau47V2G4PR6_1I3Wdvbg/s1600/topsystem_reddragon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="391" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi45w-wDJk3qPZTbd_0_z9nTPFQAZegt8QWVxpvkWRD4VXB2CEHU5mmSGz3hiuUhxgDG7K8NYi3iDGwzkT5jjub4sMzO0K_TZrbayNXHURRCnpdyjDMyEvO9S4xau47V2G4PR6_1I3Wdvbg/s400/topsystem_reddragon.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://kleberusx.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">Source</a></td></tr>
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<br /> The period from the Spring Equinox (21st March) to St George's Day (23rd April) is a time of rising earth energy, and in some traditions, it is a time of Dragons. They seem to be popping up all the time for me right now, from meeting new Welsh friends to discovering the marvellous film, 'How To Train Your Dragon'. I am getting myriad nudges from the Universe to make the most of the Dragon energy that is flowing. <br />
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(If you like your Elements, its a time when Earth and Air meet with Fire and Water in spectacular fashion - April showers are often blustery, and the sap is rising with firey enthusiasm, though here in Britain we are still awaiting the real arrival of anything that could be properly called Spring! If you are interested, you can read lots more<a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sacred-Celebrations-Sourcebook-Glennie-Kindred/dp/0906362482/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1365948716&sr=1-4&keywords=glennie+kindred" target="_blank"> in this excellent book</a>.)<br />
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I decided at Equinox that I wanted to make the most of Dragon Month this year. I want to feel better, stronger, healthier. I talked my plans out with my friend M, who is a trained naturopath, and has the uncanny ability to pick out the places where I am self-sabotaging, and between us we managed to wittle my over-elaborate ideas down to three sensible and doable goals:<br />
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<span style="color: lime;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">1. Cut <span style="font-size: x-large;">D</span>own Sugar</span></span><br />
<span style="color: lime;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">2. Eat More <span style="font-size: x-large;">V</span>egetables</span></span><br />
<span style="color: lime;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">3. Get More Exerc<span style="font-size: x-large;">is</span>e</span></span><br />
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Sounds simple? Not so. These are BIG DEALS for someone with my health problems, but the thing is, I feel like it is time.<br />
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I've been going on for a while about how I am going through a transitional period in my life. Changes are happening on a huge scale, from fading parents to financial adjustments and the desire for a new working direction. I'm going to need physical strength as well as mental, to deal with all this. <br />
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I'm on the downward slope towards 50 too, and there is no getting away from that fact. If I don't take action soon, I am going to be facing some serious issues about how well I grow older. Watching my husband's aunt become increasingly incapacitated through arthritis, to the point where she can barely feed herself, is a sobering look into a possible future for myself. I don't want to end up like that, and the best way to avoid it is to do something about it now.<br />
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So for the last couple of weeks I have been planning and carrying out my goals. I can't pretend its not hard, especially on the days when my energy is really low. But I've made it simple so that even I can achieve this.<br />
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I'm going to write a few blog posts about how I'm doing this, and how I am getting on, because all the experts say it is helpful to 'go public' with your goals in order to have some accountability. And maybe you have been thinking about the same issues and fancy pulling alongside. In which case, let me know in the comments section, and we can cheer each other on!<br />
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<br />Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-25039009891864166692013-04-12T11:54:00.000+01:002013-04-12T11:54:31.357+01:00Give Yourself a Break, Already!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihe8cXfk_To__ptFssLRwcdYtW12FJ6qnsU7SjJKXPjGKXfzCXg6fu4BNvv1-W0cA-JIWNcQQQ1h54v_k2hZuF3cI5nO_RUipaIU43FLAKQ-EvUMNDXcIVvAEkA6p_h6Yh3MktpY2Ej7YI/s1600/DSCI2936.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihe8cXfk_To__ptFssLRwcdYtW12FJ6qnsU7SjJKXPjGKXfzCXg6fu4BNvv1-W0cA-JIWNcQQQ1h54v_k2hZuF3cI5nO_RUipaIU43FLAKQ-EvUMNDXcIVvAEkA6p_h6Yh3MktpY2Ej7YI/s400/DSCI2936.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gorgeous roses at Overstrand Open Gardens, Summer 2012, Norfolk UK. I think enjoying fabulous flowers should be included in everyone's Life Purpose.</td></tr>
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There are lots of self-help books and websites out there that go on and on about Finding Your Life Purpose (and I use the capitals deliberately). It seems to be the Holy Grail of self improvement these days. I've spent a lot of time sweating over this one, until it has become one of my OUGHTS.<br />
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I know I am a writer. One of the things I was put here to do is to write, to make the pictures in my head into stories that other people can enjoy. And I do.<br />
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But I am also a butterfly, and Initiator, not a Completer/Finisher, which means I bounce from one project to the next, doing whatever holds my interest for as long as it does, and then moving onto the next thing, or going back to something I was working on before. Sometimes this means I don't finish stuff. More often, it means I take a long time. This is a truth about myself that I am working on coming to terms with. No amount of discipline has ever worked for me. So I just have to work with what I've got, accept it, and find a way to use it to my advantage.<br />
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I think this is why the whole idea of a single Life Purpose is stressful for me. After all, if my Life Purpose is to Get that Book Published, what happens when I've achieved it?<br />
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<a href="http://kriscarr.com/blog/the-myth-of-finding-your-purpose/" target="_blank">This is why this article from Kriss Carr lit up my brain.</a> <br />
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Because Life Purpose is just not that simple. Life is complex and myriad. I am still mulling over the jewels contained in this article, but I urge you to take the weight off yourself and read it. Maybe goals are ok, but fixing everything on one idea for a whole lifetime? Perhaps thats not for all of us. Perhaps we are more interesting than that.Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-48831604397638628022013-04-11T11:27:00.000+01:002013-04-11T11:27:21.116+01:00Positivity for Breakfast<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrGoexyRKe2pGM4_XcJ4JwhQ3sNgrGiD6yIzeq8EjYHZYIaJSdpgNSsT5pQTN9YgXAKQdwtNnpEm5QckU36fFz9cvoyFbyJsMm4Zb-Z2acij7H6TvjyUcSPRswDF3xWwmszNzMOA3HGu4H/s1600/newsreaders.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="195" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrGoexyRKe2pGM4_XcJ4JwhQ3sNgrGiD6yIzeq8EjYHZYIaJSdpgNSsT5pQTN9YgXAKQdwtNnpEm5QckU36fFz9cvoyFbyJsMm4Zb-Z2acij7H6TvjyUcSPRswDF3xWwmszNzMOA3HGu4H/s320/newsreaders.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">BBC News 24 Newsreaders Matthew Amroliwala and Jane Hill</td></tr>
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Once upon a time, I met a woman who was healing after breast cancer. Amongst the many really revolutionary things she was doing, she was flooding her life with positivity. Her method was simply not to listen to the news or read the papers any more.<br />
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I thought she was weird. And naive. <br />
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Seriously, I couldn't imagine how you could survive without BBC News. CONFESSION: I am a total news addict. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, and a bit before bed time, I guzzle it all, even if they do show the same reports in every bulletin.<br />
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This week has really brought home what this is doing to me. The blanket coverage of Margaret Thatcher's death has driven me to depths of psychopathy that I don't think anything else could have. Whatever you thought of her is not a matter for discussion here. The point is, do I really need to see continual reruns of the miners' strike and that whole, patronising 'Where there is discord...etc' speech over again, when they both make me want to scream and throw things? I really don't need that kind of trigger all the time. It's wrecking my blood pressure. Why am I doing it, I asked myself.<br />
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Habit.<br />
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(Duh.)<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #a64d79;"><span style="font-size: large;">Cue New Habit:</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #a64d79;"><span style="font-size: large;">Positivity for Breakfast.</span></span></div>
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From now on, I am not going to watch the news or look at the BBC News website until the lunchtime showing at 1pm. (And I'm not going to look at it again until the 10pm slot at bedtime, because how much is it going to change in that anyway?)<br />
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Instead, I am going to read a positive, self-nurturing book, write my morning pages, do some yoga, meditation, rebounding (more about that another day), and maybe read some uplifting blogs from the list below. NO doom and gloom for me in the mornings from now on. I'm changing my physical diet, after all, so why not change my mental diet? If I really am serious about flooding my life with positivity, better to be thorough about it.<br />
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I'll let you know how I get on...Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-4118228137065706062013-04-10T15:17:00.000+01:002013-04-10T15:17:08.077+01:00Renton's Refrain, or How to rant to yourself in a constructive manner<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6tHZ0t7URURzdC3r-hquhlH71IkPZs2Qg3Zg-mvQk38OojqccYhqhIB7h3hgg9DCYqWjwrumiOGICzs4XClttjbw3VIjXsnIxA8Qs-VAZ81xuPZ2gwxOpVFdSAmSI4gDtq9dgHJlB_9ub/s1600/bathroom-mirrors-1513488.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6tHZ0t7URURzdC3r-hquhlH71IkPZs2Qg3Zg-mvQk38OojqccYhqhIB7h3hgg9DCYqWjwrumiOGICzs4XClttjbw3VIjXsnIxA8Qs-VAZ81xuPZ2gwxOpVFdSAmSI4gDtq9dgHJlB_9ub/s320/bathroom-mirrors-1513488.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wish my bathroom mirror was <a href="http://furnish.co.uk/items/202704-miss-lalas-silver-looking-glass" target="_blank">as glamorous as this</a>. It isn't.</td></tr>
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I do a lot of anger in the bathroom. You know, ranting. All the snappy retorts I should have come up with, the clever put-downs I should have used on ex-boyfriends and snotty colleagues. The things I really want to say to the people who have hurt me, but never have said and never do. I don't shout at the mirror, but I might as well.<br />
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Lately, my rants have changed in nature. I've started to refuse.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #a64d79;"><span style="font-size: large;">'I refuse to be manipulated my your childish behaviour.'</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #a64d79;"><span style="font-size: large;">'I refuse to allow you to guilt-trip me.'</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #a64d79;"><span style="font-size: large;">'I refuse to faciliate your martyr complex.'</span></span></div>
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That kind of thing.<br />
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It struck me today that no matter how positive the desire for self-protection which motivates these refrains is, they are still pretty negative.<br />
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Maybe I should try changing my obsessive growls into something more positive, something more affirming.<br />
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How about:<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-size: large;">I choose calm</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-size: large;">I choose radiance</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-size: large;">I choose to release outdated behaviours and people</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-size: large;">I choose life</span></span></div>
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(And today I've had <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Naf_WiEb9Qs" target="_blank">Renton's speech from the start of 'trainspotting</a>' going around my head too, which is kinda ironic.)<br />
<br />
<a href="http://diy.yourway.net/10-ways-to-add-encouragement-to-your-home/" target="_blank">I found this too</a>, which I might try to incorporate into our home, as a bit more affirmation. After all, you can never have enough, can you?Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-49725007840634947102013-04-09T11:11:00.000+01:002013-04-09T11:11:05.515+01:00Radiator<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSwbpjkkiAbeVxSLLYrPvQB4g6-WyPzyGoETCbn6gyowTZht829pKQU1wIwil6JO39hjGXEPDi6SCAIjiMpmuYExQP_i09qXce7naF4Oe9SlX5dsUJNV8Gaqlt8CG8wMQ8vY-1F0KADiiW/s1600/stelrad-softline-radiator.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSwbpjkkiAbeVxSLLYrPvQB4g6-WyPzyGoETCbn6gyowTZht829pKQU1wIwil6JO39hjGXEPDi6SCAIjiMpmuYExQP_i09qXce7naF4Oe9SlX5dsUJNV8Gaqlt8CG8wMQ8vY-1F0KADiiW/s320/stelrad-softline-radiator.jpg" width="278" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
My husband's colleague says that people fall into two categories: Radiators and Drains.<br />
<br />
Drains suck the life out of you. They are emotional vampires. They rarely have anything positive to say, always have someone to blame, and think that the world is 'being done to' them. They wallow in their martyr complexes and expect you to rescue them from whatever pickle they have got themselves into - which is of course someone else's fault because they are always the victim. Drains are black holes in human form. They suck the light from the world, and from everybody who comes into contact with them.<br />
<br />
Radiators make you feel better about everything, especially yourself. They are positive, uplifting company. They make even your wildest dreams seem possible. They feed and nurture you, whilst feeding and nurturing themselves. They fill the world with light and hope. They always look for the bright side, have a glass half full, sort out their own issues, make an effort, move forward. They are <a href="http://kellyraeroberts.blogspot.co.uk/2008/02/becoming-possibilitarian.html#.UWPkVle3MTA" target="_blank">Possibilitarians.</a><br />
<br />
I was brought up to be a Drain, but thats not my instinctive state. Its taken some tough training and a lot of long, hard looks at myself when I am being victim-y, but I'm getting better at being a Radiator.<br />
<br />
A few weeks ago, I emerged from a period of depression, the worst I've had for some years. I made the decision to flood my life with POSITIVITY.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-size: large;">Positivity</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-size: large;">Hope</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-size: large;">Radiance</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-size: large;">Calm</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-size: large;">Peace</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #674ea7;"><span style="font-size: large;">Possibility</span></span></div>
<br />
These are the words I want to fill my life with from now on, the change I want to feel. So I am looking only to hang out with Radiators from now on. I have little enough energy as it is without letting a Drain leech it out of me.<br />
<br />
I feel a bit bad about it. A bit guilty. There's a big OUGHT in there for me, that I OUGHT to be helping. But that's what Drains do, that is how they entrap you into their mesh of victimhood. So while I am acknowledging the OUGHT, I am not allowing myself to act on it. I need to do something for me right now, and that means letting go of being with people who sap me of my joy. <br />
<br />
I am looking forward to possibility. I am reaching out for hope. And I am filling my life solely with people and things that are Radiators.Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-71313528482510810812013-04-08T19:59:00.000+01:002013-04-08T19:59:28.367+01:00Jumping Off Point<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWJsuXEUXEcAlSm9ydcdAeczz95wZvAU6GMJoBPWW21OD-R7w8y2fa60jvSbna3yLOKVkFfNUa0T8-SJnaaqYrkrIdgaDXOQerlQtVSKZUa3NKYAOailxjYSBsFDcJCJ53QuGaFsRTO6lT/s1600/Lane+in+the+snow+Jan+13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWJsuXEUXEcAlSm9ydcdAeczz95wZvAU6GMJoBPWW21OD-R7w8y2fa60jvSbna3yLOKVkFfNUa0T8-SJnaaqYrkrIdgaDXOQerlQtVSKZUa3NKYAOailxjYSBsFDcJCJ53QuGaFsRTO6lT/s400/Lane+in+the+snow+Jan+13.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Setting out on a new road in life</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Life feels pretty intense right now.<br />
<br />
Maybe its the change in energy that Spring entails. Maybe its the ongoing transition time I am passing through.<br />
<br />
I feel excited.<br />
<br />
I feel scared.<br />
<br />
I feel old.<br />
<br />
I feel inexperienced.<br />
<br />
I feel clarity.<br />
<br />
I feel muddled.<br />
<br />
I have a lot of big plans on the boil at the moment, but they are <i>scary big</i> and I need to gain a bit of confidence in order to get over the fear and start moving, rather than stepping off the precipice into the chasm below. Micromovements are in order. Baby steps. I think this is where it starts. <br />
<br />
I'm trying to get myself back into blogging, into writing once more. This blog has been through something of a hiatus, and I feel its going to be changing radically in the next few months, moving in a new direction, my companion and my handbook if you like. I hope that you will join me along the way, and share my journey.Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-34341366916037395162012-12-12T10:55:00.000+00:002012-12-12T10:55:54.804+00:00Digital RestI spend a lot of time online. Too much. Its quite hard to do anything else when you are confined to the bed or the sofa so much, as I have been for the last few months. Its that or the telly, especially when I find I can't read because my brain can't accept a page of text.<br />
<br />
While visiting my mother the other weekend, having no internet connection whilst we were there meant that although I had taken my laptop with me (ostensibly to work), I didn't even open it once. My husband and I both came home feeling rested. I felt a clarity that I had not had before, a feeling of knowing who I am that comes from being inside myself, grounded in myself, rather than being in my head, or worse, out there flying about in the digital either. I'm an air sign so I really struggle with being present instead of going off in my head, making up stories or worrying about things that might never happen. Slogging all day on Tumblr or various blogs doesn't help. It just makes me feel inadequate and dissatisfied.<br />
<br />
This the the time of year ruled by the element of Earth, a time for grounding and being present inside oneself. Despite being a writer, I'm feeling the increasing need to avoid my laptop. Any time I spend online makes me feel a bit sick afterwards, as if I've done something disgusting that I'm ashamed of. If I spend a day without looking at my computer I feel relaxed and productive. And I actually get stuff done!<br />
<br />
I'm going to start treating myself to long stretches of time during the day when I don't go online. Maybe even have days when I don't check my email or facebook altogether. The idea feels good. Optimistic. Self-caring.<br />
<br />
What would your life look like if you had a few digital-free days occasionally?Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-48877815761719281492012-09-12T12:14:00.000+01:002012-09-12T12:14:42.033+01:00Dormant or Transitional?<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgQDC2VJ9d4UE71KDR0WnuQfJxxeSXRpLtk6Ai5tNlk57oWuNeRdIOSUxH1uFLFCL993i2YoPI1vp8XBe50mLPKbxpQJjiVA76lGFY4Tp5bjEJePd-43yJTx2ONy9jxESA8_c326wJmoLI/s1600/DSCI3028.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgQDC2VJ9d4UE71KDR0WnuQfJxxeSXRpLtk6Ai5tNlk57oWuNeRdIOSUxH1uFLFCL993i2YoPI1vp8XBe50mLPKbxpQJjiVA76lGFY4Tp5bjEJePd-43yJTx2ONy9jxESA8_c326wJmoLI/s400/DSCI3028.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Contemplative moment on Climping Beach, West Sussex, during a calming stay with friends.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
This blog has been quiet for quite a while, because I'm not sure where I'm going with it. In fact, I'm not sure where I'm going, period. <br />
<br />
I'm living through a changing season right now, a transitional time. Big stuff is happening in my life. Aging parents, changing work patterns, new health issues, new attitudes, new priorities.<br />
<br />
In a few weeks I shall turn 45. My life and my soul have changed in ways I could never have imagined when I went through the trauma of turning 40. I always thought my 40s would be my best period, and they are. But often, things are tough. Change is never easy, but it is what it is.<br />
<br />
Long term planning is now becoming a priority. So is cutting the crap away. Being genuinely myself. Living my dreams instead of continually talking about them and being too scared to do anything about them. Allowing myself to be creative <i>every day</i>. Getting out of my own way.<br />
<br />
These are all big things, and they take a lot of energy. Thats how change is.<br />
<br />
In two days I am off for a holiday on a Scottish island. It will be a time of rest and reflection. I hope it will give me and my husband a break, but also some perspective. I hope it will offer a time when I can work out where I am going for the next three months, six months, a year, a lifetime. Most of all, I hope I will find some peace there. And when I come back, there will be lots of pictures to share, and no doubt articles to write for this this blog about the experience.<br />
<br />
So stick with me. Great things will come out of this change, I promise.Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-60367414915755591552012-08-20T10:45:00.000+01:002012-08-20T10:45:13.364+01:00Monday Morning Meditation<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigwqGiAcj53bng2FWj21iUMP2tMfTgdG2XGZlLn3njMnc7rfU_2LhSBDujgNziF8t9uFUnkZSCURjxmTZvES7Od6Oga9vUEDGj7Pzukv9q4zyJazhDaJ4VzyD1_xoMnEFY5oW-bXf23M94/s1600/DSC_0104-550x541.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="314" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigwqGiAcj53bng2FWj21iUMP2tMfTgdG2XGZlLn3njMnc7rfU_2LhSBDujgNziF8t9uFUnkZSCURjxmTZvES7Od6Oga9vUEDGj7Pzukv9q4zyJazhDaJ4VzyD1_xoMnEFY5oW-bXf23M94/s320/DSC_0104-550x541.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Picture of Angela's work room by Nester</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Its been a tough couple of months, but I am spending today getting my head together, catching up with myself and the house, grounding. I was pottering about on the internet as I usually do first thing, while I take my homeopathic remedies and lie in bed, waiting for my body to stop hurting (sorry, a bit victimy there, but its true), and I found<a href="http://www.thenester.com/2012/08/angelas-house-your-eyes-will-be-gluttons.html#more-29743" target="_blank"> this wonderful article by one of my fave bloggers, Nester</a>. Not only are the photos of this wonderful home totally inspiring, and green-inducing lets be honest, the post contained a quote that I've seen often, but never seen bettered. I love it, and it spoke to me today in a new way. So here it is, repeated for your delectification and inspiration. Thank you Nester and Angela:<br />
<br />
<blockquote>
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light,
not our darkness that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to
be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you <em>not</em>
to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the
world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people
won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children
do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own
light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the
same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically
liberates others.”<br />
–Marianne Williamson</blockquote>
Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-48901236677404048262012-08-06T10:56:00.001+01:002012-08-06T10:56:27.253+01:00Turning Point<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: maroon;"><span>“The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was <em>more painful</em> than the risk it took to blossom.”</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="color: maroon;"><span style="font-size: small;">Anais Nin</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I can't do this anymore. I know I've said this a thousand times, but I can't. </span></div>
<div style="color: black; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I need to get my life moving again. </span></div>
<div style="color: black; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I am riven with anxiety and I need to let it go. </span></div>
<div style="color: black; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I am tense as a board. I need to move my body.</span></div>
<div style="color: black; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">My guts and my skin are a mess. I need to eat in a way that is respectful and energising to my body.</span></div>
<div style="color: black; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I need to be writing again. Gods, I need this sooo much.</span></div>
<div style="color: black; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I need to set boundaries. In my mind and in my life. Give myself space to be me. </span></div>
<div style="color: black; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I need to learn to manage the commitments I<i> do</i> have to make in a healthier way.</span></div>
<div style="color: black; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Right now, I hurt all over. I am angry and resentful. I am so exhausted I can barely concentrate on the next word, never mind the next sentence.</span></div>
<div style="color: black; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">A friend emailed me this morning. She said 'I am drinking lots of veggie juices, taking superfood power, napping every afternoon, and I feel much better.' And I thought: 'Can you send me your programme please, because thats just what I need too.'</span></div>
<div style="color: black; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I've been through a lot in the last month, emotionally and physically. A real Dark Night of the Soul. I need a break. A big one. Its time to give myself that gift.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: maroon;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"> </span></span></span></div>Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-11978210842141272192012-07-16T20:51:00.001+01:002012-07-16T20:51:14.294+01:00Self Care<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-nWeNkVjE3iga03hKSj0ToAjYTFygNPtmJBZBKp2J4tF6ya60OAgBs3JDmkK-4X5Z-AT_MxYp4V_9bW3thJNuuN61WkCTcyXTjPBXxYSWpAkNEjKwoXplRxdpypfLjykBRb73NsOXwmgU/s1600/Love+myself+plaque.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-nWeNkVjE3iga03hKSj0ToAjYTFygNPtmJBZBKp2J4tF6ya60OAgBs3JDmkK-4X5Z-AT_MxYp4V_9bW3thJNuuN61WkCTcyXTjPBXxYSWpAkNEjKwoXplRxdpypfLjykBRb73NsOXwmgU/s400/Love+myself+plaque.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Quoted from Jennifer Louden's excellent book <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Organizer-Womans-Guide-Mindful/dp/1577315545/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342468205&sr=1-1" target="_blank">'The Life Organiser: A Woman's Guide to a Mindful Year'</a>, New World Library 2007. I urge you to buy this book and use it.Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-52891061098093362162012-07-09T15:26:00.000+01:002012-07-09T15:26:07.416+01:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCcFhWdGg4-K5rbHW1oaJGLVLJFhaFvSmUi0imgOfJuLDrasyM45WX8ApDcw1A0HqbQW9NA0E9Yb3FmuL2AlqRRHgas7KBaQgaFOboJS-BD8fXViSqh6WaVDMNDhgRBPPKJPkMyLddUA_C/s1600/Mum+and+Peter+Bs+wedding.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCcFhWdGg4-K5rbHW1oaJGLVLJFhaFvSmUi0imgOfJuLDrasyM45WX8ApDcw1A0HqbQW9NA0E9Yb3FmuL2AlqRRHgas7KBaQgaFOboJS-BD8fXViSqh6WaVDMNDhgRBPPKJPkMyLddUA_C/s320/Mum+and+Peter+Bs+wedding.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
In Memoriam</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Peter Reginald Dimmer</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
6th March 1929</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
to</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
9th July 2011</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Beloved stepfather and wise friend. </div>
<br />Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-5251495287991448372012-05-03T11:20:00.000+01:002012-05-03T11:20:21.520+01:00Iain Banks needs Bigger Trousers<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVcAPC5M9q-Cx_AXTFRvNF_G9rcbSV3mmRs3n7K92U-RE5FggHVQIYnelJwBtTjEoeXKUkKVsB3h2565uYQgKro983Ou4f2Q6ibax86IzWdfWzAxGySxikamxHLmty7HLn01lNZEeDY9F9/s1600/Iain-Banks-001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVcAPC5M9q-Cx_AXTFRvNF_G9rcbSV3mmRs3n7K92U-RE5FggHVQIYnelJwBtTjEoeXKUkKVsB3h2565uYQgKro983Ou4f2Q6ibax86IzWdfWzAxGySxikamxHLmty7HLn01lNZEeDY9F9/s1600/Iain-Banks-001.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Picture from <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2009/aug/18/iain-banks-edinburgh" target="_blank">here</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Yes, that is a bit of an odd title, but I really mean it. Its about idols having clay feet. Let me explain:<br />
<br />
I went to see<a href="http://www.iain-banks.net/" target="_blank"> Iain Banks</a> speaking about his new book, <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Stonemouth-Iain-Banks/dp/1408702509/ref=pd_sim_b_1" target="_blank">Stonemouth</a>, at the UEA Literary Festival a couple of nights ago. Now, if you have been reading this blog since its inception, you will know that I am an avid Iain Banks fan. I adore him. I have a picture of him as wallpaper on my phone. Seriously (yes, I know I should have grown out of that, but who does?). <br />
<br />
The thing is, I sat there and listened to him read on Tuesday night, and thought - well, frankly I didn't think anything. The bit he read from the novel was some dialog from a wedding scene. It was mildly amusing. I think he thought it was more amusing than we as listeners did. But it wasn't anything dazzling. And he only read once. Then he talked. And talked. And talked. Most of it was his usual schtick. I'd heard it before because I've been to see him quite a few times. He said a couple of things that I thought, 'Ooo, I want to hear more about your opinion on that, its really interesting,' but I quickly forgot what these pearls of wisdom were because all the schtick got in the way and fuddled my brain.<br />
<br />
I came out feeling rather disappointed and the only impression I could really summon up was that he needed to accept that the size of jeans he has been wearing since he was twenty are really too small for a man of 58, no matter how slim he is. Your body changes, Iain. I don't want to sit there and look at just how much. Its distracting, mate. In fact, its positively anatomical. Which is a bit sad, considering he is viewed, on the basis of 'The Wasp Factory' and 'The Crow Road', as being one of this nation's greatest novelists.<br />
<br />
Unable to shake the disappointment, I went back his work. I've read pretty much all of them, though I couldn't get on with the sci-fi stuff - its too 'teenage boy' for me. At the time I read it, I really liked it. It inspired me. Who couldn't love a novel that begins with the line:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>It was the day my grandmother exploded.</i></div>
<br />
I always thought 'The Crow Road' was one of those novels I would carry with me till I die, reading over and over again. Now I look at it and think, 'meh'.<br />
<br />
Is it possible to grow out of a novelist? I suppose I grew out of Jean Plaidy and Tom Clancy. I can't believe I have grown out of Banksie. I find myself craving more complex prose. Something more poetic. Less sensationalist. I didn't come out of that session at UEA feeling inspired the way I did after I saw AL Kennedy or Jeanette Winterson, only a couple of months ago. And I want to be inspired now. <br />
<br />
It isn't Banksie that has changed. He won't change - you can tell that from his trousers. Its me.Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-88595340650523345612012-04-05T17:13:00.000+01:002012-04-05T17:13:15.919+01:00Press the RESET Button<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEina3sGCDzhSO1qi60QlN9S7taDMnbX832T1JviLKJtz4feGmDjAu7XCyABeKge063yjxFxe4rrrZYgDM9kazrhfKRx_PEjtYC712nZYA4jwXv5HIfCIEd2OomfYamLsGGIC9i7PiEniuBk/s1600/leek-potato-soup.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEina3sGCDzhSO1qi60QlN9S7taDMnbX832T1JviLKJtz4feGmDjAu7XCyABeKge063yjxFxe4rrrZYgDM9kazrhfKRx_PEjtYC712nZYA4jwXv5HIfCIEd2OomfYamLsGGIC9i7PiEniuBk/s400/leek-potato-soup.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://laylita.com/recipes/2008/05/07/leek-potato-soup/" target="_blank">Leek and Potato Soup (Image from Here)</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Usually I have a good idea what I am going to say when I write a blog post, but not today, and there is a reason for that.<br />
<br />
I've had a cold.<br />
<br />
Not your average, runny nose, Nightnurse-doseable kinda cold. No, this has been like swimming through soup. Not a nice, clear consomme either. We are talking leek and potato here. I've been so ill, I've barely got out of bed for a week and that, even for me, is pretty extreme. I've still got a fruity cough, and a raspy voice so deep I could hire myself out to voice-over action movie trailers, but I think I'm over the worst now.<br />
<br />
Being me, I like to look on the bright side however. And there <i>is</i> a bright side, not least that I actually survived the bloody thing which, at one point, I was seriously praying that I <i>wouldn't</i>! My brain has turned to porridge, I'm completely disoriented, and I have no idea where I am, not geographically but psychologically. And part of the recovery process is exactly that - recovering myself. I've been floating in a sea of greeny-grey guck, blind and deaf to anything but pure 'getting through'.<br />
<br />
I've got a few days of silence to come over the Easter period, and being a bit more compos mentis, I feel like I can use the time in a constructive way to ground myself once more in where I am and where I want to be. Something of a retreat, really.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, life forces you to press the RESET button, makes you stop and go back to somewhere near the start, remember who you are and what you want. And while I would rather not have the hacking cough, I think I'm rather glad to have the RESET button, because it's always good to do a little grounding now and again.<br />
<br />
(There, something coherent came out in the wash. I knew it would.)Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-19054412193030627092012-03-22T10:06:00.000+00:002012-03-22T10:06:10.527+00:00Good Day, Bad Day.Yesterday started off really well. No, wonderfully, actually. I found out that one of my stories posted on Fanfiction.com had received over 46,000 hits! I mean, 46,000! Thats half Wembly stadium!<br />
<br />
I was like that ball thing that Will Smith lets loose by accident in 'Men In Black', the one that pings and bounces around the lab at a million miles an hour! All day I kept catching myself saying '46,000 readers!'.<br />
<br />
Lots of other good things happened too. It was beautifully sunny. The new digibox was delivered, and its great. I was well enough to drive myself into Norwich to my counselling appointment, and even do a bit of shopping. I was so happy.<br />
<br />
Then I came home and checked my email. There was a cruel one from someone close to me. This person has hurt me badly. I don't know why. I tried not to let it spoil my day. Pat took me out to the pub to celebrate. I didn't feel much like celebrating, even though I felt like all my hard work has finally begun to pay off, and I can hold my head high among other writers at last. I don't have to apologise for being myself anymore. Except to this one person. I know I shouldn't allow them to get to me. Partly, it is because I don't know why they are behaving in this way because they won't tell me. And partly, it is because I just want to be loved - don't we all?<br />
<br />
And then I heard the Universe speak.<br />
<br />
I was flipping through last weekend's Telegraph magazine and I found this quote from Armistead Maupin:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><i>"My life is full of love; I designed it that way. I try to make my own experience about love and I look for kindness and tenderness in others...That's the thing I value the most: it will get you through everything."</i></div><br />
I can't stop this person behaving cruelly to me. But I can choose the way I respond. I can choose to believe the 46,000 readers, and not the one email correspondent. I can design a life that is full of love.<br />
<br />
You might also like to read <a href="http://www.kerismith.com/blog/make-your-own-world/" target="_blank">this from Keri Smith</a>.Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-91262183411685988752012-03-07T09:06:00.000+00:002012-03-07T09:06:24.333+00:00Skein<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjThLh47m8If6LB1zVv7B-NHdoJeLOk3qZMiDP9hmgbFa2L7vEkSYtnGt3ORHxhrED820q6LqRIu5F4XU6mLpYsQ11s84j6325zAZr2gRPx7nZrPcnW7p5Rn-RNfdYIbWy_9jsCaUSNSQNS/s1600/snow-geese.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjThLh47m8If6LB1zVv7B-NHdoJeLOk3qZMiDP9hmgbFa2L7vEkSYtnGt3ORHxhrED820q6LqRIu5F4XU6mLpYsQ11s84j6325zAZr2gRPx7nZrPcnW7p5Rn-RNfdYIbWy_9jsCaUSNSQNS/s320/snow-geese.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://campusguys.blogspot.com/2010/06/v-formation.html" target="_blank">snow geese in flight</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>This morning I dropped Pat off at the bus stop in the village, and as I was driving back, I saw a skein of geese crossing the sky. I was on the farm track, so I pulled over and watched. They were flying in a 'v' shape that undulated and shimmered. Sometimes they would disappear into the grey sky as they changed direction slightly, and the white tips of their wings showed. They would jumble up and reorganise. And flap doggedly on. They've come so far. I can't believe they are finally here. It means Spring is coming. There is a primrose out in the front garden, and the japonica is covered in fat, blood-red buds. The world is coming alive again.Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-49205950333837396232012-02-22T14:00:00.000+00:002012-02-22T14:00:53.191+00:00My Nieces Love Me!Yes, I have two wonderful nieces who are not only <i>very</i> talented, but also know and understand me exceptionally well. Which is presumably why this morning in the post, these arrived:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjFb1C3B2rYDNqk-ZZqZZ2K3uVvADDv7dy6SKjdEERsx6-KVPv8X-W1TU-G7gMpRSZ4XI9Lmp1pf0iHXPGYghUTara4SmD5kEiSCRYqgl3rHfrsUEQvxc_UQt8rYLzIe5MQaO_pdNFgWOX/s1600/DSCI2768.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjFb1C3B2rYDNqk-ZZqZZ2K3uVvADDv7dy6SKjdEERsx6-KVPv8X-W1TU-G7gMpRSZ4XI9Lmp1pf0iHXPGYghUTara4SmD5kEiSCRYqgl3rHfrsUEQvxc_UQt8rYLzIe5MQaO_pdNFgWOX/s320/DSCI2768.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Amigurumi John and Sherlock by Phoebe Grassby</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Made by my nimble fingered niece, Phoebe, here are John and Sherlock, amigurumi style. I love the way they are wearing little handcuffs, as in the last episode of Season Two - sniff! You can buy Phoebe's patterns at her <a href="http://www.etsy.com/shop/phoebegrassby?ref=seller_info" target="_blank">Etsy shop here</a>.<br />
<br />
And Phoebe's twin sister Amelia is also creative. And knows me worryingly well. This is what she sent me for Christmas:<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTSryQYnwLOZDiCcNPp1d4mjt6Mc2DKee0NIP1-HEGIjvvikhUK7P-wwN3p51Zyhj7MFxD9URGArpAL-b6x_BgTdyzxVmpVRv9bTRt5mmA0zIqkNCm_Bzx1VKzrDfVSgNS3oUQAUjP_r90/s1600/DSCI2770.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTSryQYnwLOZDiCcNPp1d4mjt6Mc2DKee0NIP1-HEGIjvvikhUK7P-wwN3p51Zyhj7MFxD9URGArpAL-b6x_BgTdyzxVmpVRv9bTRt5mmA0zIqkNCm_Bzx1VKzrDfVSgNS3oUQAUjP_r90/s320/DSCI2770.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Handmade Benny Calendar by Amelia Wray</td></tr>
</tbody></table> Yes, she made it herself. It must have taken her ages to write out all the days and draw all those lines, and they are HAND done, no computing here, thank you.<br />
<br />
And this is my birthday month. Of course, what else?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9a-vIwLFgCqqW_MYNgHCGcQU10BULDE4MyiSuskTgOYGzDw98_gdu9bOjZaceMR0xbbMSULu_PyAckR4S9g7I16YFHssprrVMKmJdSpvayzeSEf2z0tIN-IQxm89EgZyA3tYCr_-WnSPN/s1600/DSCI2771.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9a-vIwLFgCqqW_MYNgHCGcQU10BULDE4MyiSuskTgOYGzDw98_gdu9bOjZaceMR0xbbMSULu_PyAckR4S9g7I16YFHssprrVMKmJdSpvayzeSEf2z0tIN-IQxm89EgZyA3tYCr_-WnSPN/s320/DSCI2771.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Handmade Benny Calendar by Amelia Wray</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Thank you my darlings, you make me feel so wonderful! </span></div>Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-74193126982678836992012-02-16T13:53:00.000+00:002012-02-16T13:53:11.808+00:00Thirty Years<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCcsMu0filFV5wbKwoToDZ64qaBMk3lthUOLsTQcw9FeLHSBUxaRP9Wt-S0bvOlu2b6THhcSoL2z2jUWgH44yLjNyyBrFNog_zzCYPGidnmk0tFKHTGpoE8tJJY1C-m7Zf_9zga5ZBt819/s1600/Mum's+wedding+family+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCcsMu0filFV5wbKwoToDZ64qaBMk3lthUOLsTQcw9FeLHSBUxaRP9Wt-S0bvOlu2b6THhcSoL2z2jUWgH44yLjNyyBrFNog_zzCYPGidnmk0tFKHTGpoE8tJJY1C-m7Zf_9zga5ZBt819/s400/Mum's+wedding+family+photo.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Parents Wedding, September 1956</td></tr>
</tbody></table>My dad died thirty years ago today. Most people only get one dad, but I've been lucky enough to have two wonderful ones, and I am remembering them both today with smiles.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSG241AmLNr0J8S0H6J-uYrdtC9EIuX11l6UX7ILTPn1JMtn4lVFjM6zv3h2OrSI-TW4r-nEujHqJm8_uJMQO76cwGAAEffYVAaVhyfdWMufzAOVqSMHeFYgwijxQJ5cvBRb75Jy-QwTBQ/s1600/M+P+and+B+at+Cowdray.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="289" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSG241AmLNr0J8S0H6J-uYrdtC9EIuX11l6UX7ILTPn1JMtn4lVFjM6zv3h2OrSI-TW4r-nEujHqJm8_uJMQO76cwGAAEffYVAaVhyfdWMufzAOVqSMHeFYgwijxQJ5cvBRb75Jy-QwTBQ/s320/M+P+and+B+at+Cowdray.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My mother and I with my 'Wicked' stepfather, Peter</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-5562146401969808822012-02-02T16:01:00.000+00:002012-02-02T16:01:27.860+00:00It came in the post today!Just when you figure life is full of lemons, (even if they are travelling lemons), something like this happens. This morning I was half way through today's writing - just over 3.300 words and still counting - when this turned up on the post:<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8NzPXD-IoRRZDc9DDW9QJ_PJrfb4nOdPLb9EGjKuXRaXWu5KuYoJRDN4p-82yetywKiLG_pOOWSGD4HboONYaIUFtpozH-1eSy7pJGs7mb8IlVMfWb52fJBkgrCdfj442GHLiOIrRW8uk/s1600/DSCI2760.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8NzPXD-IoRRZDc9DDW9QJ_PJrfb4nOdPLb9EGjKuXRaXWu5KuYoJRDN4p-82yetywKiLG_pOOWSGD4HboONYaIUFtpozH-1eSy7pJGs7mb8IlVMfWb52fJBkgrCdfj442GHLiOIrRW8uk/s320/DSCI2760.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">'Go Away I'm writing' bag by <a href="http://www.writersgifts.co.uk/">What The Dickens</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>How good is that, guys? Many thanks to my splendiferous friend Sara for thinking of me. xxx<br />
<br />
Oh, and a note to Claudina: I tried to take a photo of the spangley sequin mini skirt so I could show you, because as you say, it is <i>very</i> jolly, but the sequins are black, and it didn't come out. So you'll just have to imagine me in a black, spangley, and very jolly sequin mini skirt. Sorry.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-7596777431621835722012-02-01T15:47:00.000+00:002012-02-01T15:47:25.499+00:00Clear Blue ViewI'm going to talk about something people don't usually mention.<br />
<br />
I'm 44 years old and I'm three weeks late.<br />
<br />
Yep, not good.<br />
<br />
So last night, my husband and I had 'The Talk'. The one where we hunker down and go through the ramifications of what we are going to do IF. Even though we both know there is no IF, because rationally, for reasons I shall not go into for fear of making you, and him, blush, it just ain't possible. But the fact remains that I am late. And three weeks for me is a seriously big deal. You are talking to the woman who, throughout her twenties, could time her periods by her watch. Every fourth Thursday, 10am. Clockwork. Even when I was anorexic. Never missed a bloody one, even when I was six and a half stone. Never had a scare that was any longer than four days. Never.<br />
<br />
And then we went down to the 24 hour supermarket and bought a pregnancy test.<br />
<br />
(Which would have been fine if we hadn't bumped into an old acquaintence at the checkout, and believe you me, when you are 44 and 3 weeks late, you don't want to be caught with a Clearview pack at 8pm in Tesco by someone you haven't seen in 10 years, and who has a basket full of Johnsons baby wipes because they've just had their THIRD!)<br />
<br />
And then did the three minutes of sweating and waiting for the test to prove NEGATIVE, just as we knew it would.<br />
<br />
And then we were both sad. <br />
<br />
Not that we in any way regret the choice of being childfree that life has dealt us. I know that being a mother is just not right for me, not simply because of my health, but because of my temperament. I don't have the patience or the interest, and I am terrified of schools. But still. It might have been my last chance. And thats a very miserable thought.<br />
<br />
So now I am 44 years old and 3 weeks late and definitely NOT pregnant (but mourning very slightly). Which can only mean one thing:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">MENOPAUSE</span></div><br />
And believe me, I am just not, in any way, shape or form, ready for <i>that</i>. I dye my hair, for Gods' sake. I am in total denial of my wrinkles and age spots, and the fact that I can remember the Winter of Discontent and the drought of 1976. I just bought a sequinned mini skirt! This can't be happening! Pregnancy would have been a picnic by comparison! (And before you go wondering about my health and all the other things that could make me miss, let me put your mind at rest. I'm pretty sure that it can't be something nasty in that particular woodshed because menopause comes pretty early amongst the women in my family. But I will get it checked, just to put your mind at ease.) So here I am, curled up on the sofa, waiting for Mr Flow to come to town, and having a mid-life crisis. Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-41288180161094170202012-01-18T10:04:00.000+00:002012-01-18T10:04:30.661+00:00GriefSherlock Holmes died last Sunday night. Yes, I know it was all a fix and he'll be coming back, but his poor Watson doesn't know that, does he?<br />
<br />
The most poignant moment of the programme for me was right at the end. John stood over Sherlock's grave and begged him for one last miracle.<br />
<br />
'Stop being dead. Just stop - <i>this</i>.'<br />
<br />
Thats what we all want, when someone dies.<br />
<br />
I can remember last summer, standing outside the church after my step-father's memorial service, talking to the lay preacher, a family friend who had helped lead the ceremony. 'I just want him back,' I sobbed.<br />
<br />
For many years I have been having dreams about my father, who died when I was 13. In my dreams, which are not the same every time, but share the same theme, my father comes back to our family home. He is sullen and unhappy, won't say where he has been, or whether he is staying. There is always the suggestion that he has been with another woman, another family, elsewhere. And there is that fear that he will go away again. But I am just so happy to have him back that I try not to care - I just want him back. Next month it will be 30 years since he died, and I am still having these dreams.<br />
<br />
My point is that when somebody dies, all we want is to have them back. But if they came back, it wouldn't be the way we want it to be, all hearts and flowers. Life isn't like that. There are no Jesuses, or Holmeses, to return from the dead. We are just left to get on with living without those we love as best we can. Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6274784772187891066.post-75597008413781605452012-01-10T20:47:00.000+00:002012-01-10T20:47:01.345+00:00The 'word' for 2012<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCvZbaq46fuAiOPSDEbp9ET2xhaxT1TeKWf2D2-w-wH0PJsw9RbRTKwgT1FZIc1J_PPQbrcni7r8BWJqADAEJf1VflmNVLahZ8g_CbIL_3Qy4dDaxkeLZ49bI7O-RaZuU_PTI3ay4VlSSs/s1600/words_1109289.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCvZbaq46fuAiOPSDEbp9ET2xhaxT1TeKWf2D2-w-wH0PJsw9RbRTKwgT1FZIc1J_PPQbrcni7r8BWJqADAEJf1VflmNVLahZ8g_CbIL_3Qy4dDaxkeLZ49bI7O-RaZuU_PTI3ay4VlSSs/s320/words_1109289.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
All over the internet in the last 10 days, people have been talking about what their 'word' for 2012 is. Courage? Passion? Experiment? Embrace? Everybody seems to have come up with a word that embodies their theme for the year, something they can keep coming back to, that guides the way they approach their life in the coming months and helps them to achieve their goals.<br />
<br />
<br />
Last year, mine was 'self care'. 2011 was my 'year of self care', and the fact that I made it through 2011, with all its traumas, in one piece, says a lot for how self caring I have learnt to be.<br />
<br />
But I have been wrestling with what I wanted for 2012. Couldn't get my head around it. (Probably not helped by<a href="http://cumberqueen.tumblr.com/post/15539039888/luciferbox-context-what-context-they-sound"> this going round and round in my head!</a> You can imagine how distracting that would be. But I digress...)<br />
<br />
Then, this afternoon my counsellor/guru told me a question her old training course leader used to ask:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>What would you do if you </b><i><b>really</b></i><b> loved yourself?</b></span></div><br />
None of the usual pfaffing about. <br />
<br />
What do you need right now? A danish? Oh, yes, a great big danish pastry would be a <i>really</i> good idea, Rebecca, considering your IBS and wheat intolerance. Yep, that sound really self-caring, that does.<br />
<br />
Just think about that question for a minute.<br />
<br />
Genius, isn't it?<br />
<br />
So I'm not going to have a word this year, but a question. A question I shall ask myself every morning when I get up. And I hope that it will change the way I live, and make my dreams come true. Or at least mean I take better care of myself and feel well a little more often.Bex Barrowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04660248030076090861noreply@blogger.com0