Update

Well, apologies that I haven't written for ages, which is because its been bedlam here!  Travelling from pillar to post for family gatherings, and in between, trying desperately to recover.  The great news is that I am doing well, apart from the feet (!), and feeling optimistic. 

I am harvesting the fruits of this year's emotional work in abundance, and feeling ready to go down into the Dark Time of the year, that period between Samhain (31 October) and Yule (21 December), the time of the Underworld, if you know your Persephone myth, during which we have the opportunity to turn inwards and consider our mental and spiritual worlds.  This is the time when I write best, and believe me, I'm writing furiously at the moment.

Right now I am particularly thankful for living where I do.  It is hard to believe we have been here fore two years - it doesn't seem so long, and the trauma of the move is still very fresh in my memory.  But since I have been here, I have grown and healed tremendously, and realising it has reconciled me to this new place.  It is especially lovely at this time of year too, which helps. 

However, I just saw my neighbour on my afternoon walk, and she cheerily told me that a 'Siberian Winter' is predicted for this year, worse even than last year, during which we were snowed in twice!  I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about living in the middle of nowhere if we do get a repeat performance of last winter.  So its time to lay in the logs and oil and hope for the best.  Wish me luck!

Art Therapy

I was reading Carol Lloyd's book, 'Creating a Life Worth Living' this evening, as part of a thinking process I am going through, gathering ideas for how I can move my art and writing work forward, and I came upon the following passage:

"For many, the most difficult challenge is discovering what they really want to do.  For others the challenge lies in planning the life and committing to it.  Others have no trouble dreaming or planning the dream, but giant, tentacled obstacles impede their everyday progress and prevent them from reaching their goals..." (page XX)

The image of the tentacled obstacles really stuck in my head, reminding me of the dreaded Creatures from the Dungeon Dimensions which appear in the Discworld novels of Sir Terry Pratchett.  I thought I'd do a quick watercolour sketch, because I am definitely a person who is able to find an endless number of beasties to get in my way, even if I have to invent them myself.  What came out was this:

Uniball eye micro pen and watercolour on paper

Yes, that's me, standing in front.  Its a quick and dirty scribble, but I think it is revealing (actually, probably quite scary to have this stuff in my head eh?).  I didn't think about it until I had finished it, and looked at what I had done properly.  Is the tentacled monster my ME?  Or is it me getting in my own way?  Is that, therefore, what I really think of myself?

Please leave a comment, and tell me what you think.....

Trying

I've spent the last week trying to upload a funny photo for this blog that I really wanted to share with you.  But either Blogger or my laptop doesn't want to cooperate so I guess I'll have to let that one go.

At the moment I am laid up in bed trying to recover from a really bad spell.  No strength in my arms and legs, and feeling distinctly woolly-headed.  But at least I know that if I stay still long enough, I'll improve.  That's the one thing about ME that I am grateful for:  that if you stick with the treatment long enough (i.e. resting), you know you'll have the benefit.  Its not a permanent improvement but it makes me feel I have at least some control in my own hands.

Perfect Protest

I'm joining in with the amazing Brene Brown's protest against perfectionism:  check it out!  Perfectionism is something I battle against every day.  It creates sooooo many OUGHTS in this house, and as an ME sufferer, I just don't have the energy to keep trying to be perfect anymore.  Letting go of the behaviour that equates what clothes I wear, or what my house looks like with how much people will like and accept me, or how good a person I am, is extremely hard, but I am getting there.  After all, trying to be perfect is what wore me out in the first place, and I'm not going to get better till I realise that.  So Brene's work really hits the spot for me, and I can't wait to get my copy of her book.  In the meantime, here are some of my perfectionist OUGHTS:

• People will only like me if I wear Boden dresses.
• People will only like me if my hair looks perfect every day.
• People will only like me if I wear makeup.
• People will only like me if I wear the right brand of makeup.
• People will only like me if I have the right brand of liquid soap by the sink.
• People will only like me if I vacuum the house every day.
• People will only like me if I scrub my oven inside and out once a week at least.
• People will only like me if I am the perfect cook
• People will only like me if I have a career and earn lots of money.
• People will only like me if I am a stone lighter.
• People will only like me if I buy all my furniture brand new instead of having hand-me-downs.
• etc etc etc....

When I see my OUGHTS written down in the cold light of day, they seem ridiculous.  Worse than ridiculous, in fact.  But the majority of the time, they are what drive my thinking.  What are some of yours?

Messing About

I've taken a lot of photos lately, and not posted a thing on this blog, so I thought I would make up for it today.  We have been clearing out old videos, buying groovy new shoes and having fun on the beach with our friends Sara and Richard.

(Oh, and that blue tuby thing you can see in the bottom right hand side of the video pictures isn't a 'Swedish-made penis pump' a la Austin Powers, but a Lakeland spider vac, which has come in fabulously handy with all the monster arachnids that have been driven inside by the change in the weather.  I recommend you get one!)

Time Passes...

"Time passes.  Listen.  Time Passes..."

Dylan Thomas,Under Milk Wood.

Pat went in to have an operation on his knee on Friday.  I dropped him off at the hospital at 7am (6.15am departure from home, urgh) but decided to sit with him as the nurse went through all the paperwork.  It was only day surgery, and she said they would phone me when he was ready to be collected.  When was that likely to be, I asked, as a ballpark figure?  She reckoned, given that he would be going down to theatre about 9am, that he'd be ready about 11.  Fine, I thought, and trundled home.

By 2.30pm I was starting to worry.  I had figured 11am was a bit optimistic, but three and half hours is a long time to wait, on top of the three I had already sat through after arriving home.  In the end I rang the ward, and they said, oh yes, he's fine.  You can come and get him now if you like.  It turned out that the cartilage they were mending was far more badly damaged than expected, hence the operation took longer.

 I was struck how much the day felt like taking an exam.  I remembered all the times I kept telling myself, back in my school and college days, sitting at one of those rickety little tables, waiting for the most terrifying words ever uttered ('Please turn over your paper and begin...'), this is only three hours of your life.  Time will not stop and leave you stuck here.  The minute hand keeps on ticking away. Time passes. And you will still be here at the end of the morning, you will still be alive; the world will not stop turning.

Fortunately, nothing bad had happened to Pat, (Thank the Gods!) and even if it had, they would have rung me immediately to tell me.  That they had not rung was simply an oversight on a busy ward.  It was tremendously comforting to keep reminding myself throughout that worrying day that tomorrow would come, that this would all be over soon, for better or worse, but it will all pass, as all things pass away.  So I will try to remember that, next time I am horribly nervous.

Cricket Cartoons

If you would like to see the cartoons I produced for the Saxlingham Gents Cricket Tour 2010, they are now on the Saxlingham Gents website   The originals were presented to the team members on the tour itself.  I was very relieved that none of them have decided to sue!