Wednesday, 17 February 2010

A New Threshold

(A new horizon - bluebell woods outside Kirkcudbright, Dumfries and Galloway)

I feel like I have walked through the Veil into another world in the last few days.  Huge breakthroughs emotionally and with the book, as well as the 28th anniversary of my father's death in 1982.  A poignant moment that as proved to be turning-point.  I feel like I am in a new phase of my development, my healing.  Yes, it was a bit like being hit repeatedly with a cast-iron skillet.  Yes, I do feel a bit eviscerated.  But in a good way. 

I feel optimistic, encouraged, ready to move forward.  Its like the old saying, 'you have to suffer to be beautiful'.   That's probably rubbish, but if you want to be beautiful on the inside, to yourself, then sometimes you have to go through it a bit.  I know its just the beginning of what I expect to be a long and potentially painful process.  You don't change lifelong behaviours easily.  But its pain/change for the better and that's what counts. (Actually, that makes me sound like a bit of a masochist, but you know what I mean!)

(Incidentally, thanks to my friend Tim for his comment about not being defined my my illness, which has stuck right in there like a porcupine quill and really got me thinking.  Thanks, Tim.)

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