Digital Rest

I spend a lot of time online.  Too much.  Its quite hard to do anything else when you are confined to the bed or the sofa so much, as I have been for the last few months.  Its that or the telly, especially when I find I can't read because my brain can't accept a page of text.

While visiting my mother the other weekend, having no internet connection whilst we were there meant that although I had taken my laptop with me (ostensibly to work), I didn't even open it once.  My husband and I both came home feeling rested.  I felt a clarity that I had not had before, a feeling of knowing who I am that comes from being inside myself, grounded in myself, rather than being in my head, or worse, out there flying about in the digital either.  I'm an air sign so I really struggle with being present instead of going off in my head, making up stories or worrying about things that might never happen.  Slogging all day on Tumblr or various blogs doesn't help.  It just makes me feel inadequate and dissatisfied.

This the the time of year ruled by the element of Earth, a time for grounding and being present inside oneself. Despite being a writer, I'm feeling the increasing need to avoid my laptop.  Any time I spend online makes me feel a bit sick afterwards, as if I've done something disgusting that I'm ashamed of.  If I spend a day without looking at my computer I feel relaxed and productive.   And I actually get stuff done!

I'm going to start treating myself to long stretches of time during the day when I don't go online.  Maybe even have days when I don't check my email or facebook altogether.  The idea feels good.  Optimistic.  Self-caring.

What would your life look like if you had a few digital-free days occasionally?

Dormant or Transitional?

Contemplative moment on Climping Beach, West Sussex, during a calming stay with friends.

This blog has been quiet for quite a while, because I'm not sure where I'm going with it.  In fact, I'm not sure where I'm going, period. 

I'm living through a changing season right now, a transitional time.  Big stuff is happening in my life.  Aging parents, changing work patterns, new health issues, new attitudes, new priorities.

In a few weeks I shall turn 45.  My life and my soul have changed in ways I could never have imagined when I went through the trauma of turning 40.  I always thought my 40s would be my best period, and they are.  But often, things are tough.  Change is never easy, but it is what it is.

Long term planning is now becoming a priority.  So is cutting the crap away.  Being genuinely myself.  Living my dreams instead of continually talking about them and being too scared to do anything about them.  Allowing myself to be creative every day.  Getting out of my own way.

These are all big things, and they take a lot of energy.  Thats how change is.

In two days I am off for a holiday on a Scottish island.  It will be a time of rest and reflection.  I hope it will give me and my husband a break, but also some perspective.  I hope it will offer a time when I can work out where I am going for the next three months, six months, a year, a lifetime. Most of all, I hope I will find some peace there.  And when I come back, there will be lots of pictures to share, and no doubt articles to write for this this blog about the experience.

So stick with me.  Great things will come out of this change, I promise.

Monday Morning Meditation

Picture of Angela's work room by Nester

Its been a tough couple of months, but I am spending today getting my head together, catching up with myself and the house, grounding.  I was pottering about on the internet as I usually do first thing, while I take my homeopathic remedies and lie in bed, waiting for my body to stop hurting (sorry, a bit victimy there, but its true), and I found this wonderful article by one of my fave bloggers, Nester.  Not only are the photos of this wonderful home totally inspiring, and green-inducing lets be honest, the post contained a quote that I've seen often, but never seen bettered.  I love it, and it spoke to me today in a new way.  So here it is, repeated for your delectification and inspiration.  Thank you Nester and Angela:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
–Marianne Williamson

Turning Point

“The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

Anais Nin

I can't do this anymore.  I know I've said this a thousand times, but I can't. 

I need to get my life moving again. 

I am riven with anxiety and I need to let it go. 

I am tense as a board.  I need to move my body.

My guts and my skin are a mess. I need to eat in a way that is respectful and energising to my body.

I need to be writing again.  Gods, I need this sooo much.

I need to set boundaries.  In my mind and in my life.  Give myself space to be me. 

I need to learn to manage the commitments I do have to make in a healthier way.

Right now, I hurt all over.  I am angry and resentful.  I am so exhausted I can barely concentrate on the next word, never mind the next sentence.

A friend emailed me this morning.  She said 'I am drinking lots of veggie juices, taking superfood power, napping every afternoon, and I feel much better.'  And I thought: 'Can you send me your programme please, because thats just what I need too.'

I've been through a lot in the last month, emotionally and physically.  A real Dark Night of the Soul.  I need a break.  A big one.  Its time to give myself that gift.

 

Self Care

Quoted from Jennifer Louden's excellent book 'The Life Organiser:  A Woman's Guide to a Mindful Year', New World Library 2007.  I urge you to buy this book and use it.

In Memoriam

Peter Reginald Dimmer

6th March 1929

to

9th July 2011

Beloved stepfather and wise friend.

Iain Banks needs Bigger Trousers

Picture from here

Yes, that is a bit of an odd title, but I really mean it.  Its about idols having clay feet.  Let me explain:

I went to see Iain Banks speaking about his new book, Stonemouth, at the UEA Literary Festival a couple of nights ago.  Now, if you have been reading this blog since its inception, you will know that I am an avid Iain Banks fan.  I adore him.  I have a picture of him as wallpaper on my phone.  Seriously (yes, I know I should have grown out of that, but who does?). 

The thing is, I sat there and listened to him read on Tuesday night, and thought - well, frankly I didn't think anything.  The bit he read from the novel was some dialog from a wedding scene.  It was mildly amusing.  I think he thought it was more amusing than we as listeners did.  But it wasn't anything dazzling.  And he only read once.  Then he talked.  And talked.  And talked.  Most of it was his usual schtick.  I'd heard it before because I've been to see him quite a few times.  He said a couple of things that I thought, 'Ooo, I want to hear more about your opinion on that, its really interesting,' but I quickly forgot what these pearls of wisdom were because all the schtick got in the way and fuddled my brain.

I came out feeling rather disappointed and the only impression I could really summon up was that he needed to accept that the size of jeans he has been wearing since he was twenty are really too small for a man of 58, no matter how slim he is.  Your body changes, Iain.  I don't want to sit there and look at just how much. Its distracting, mate.  In fact, its positively anatomical.  Which is a bit sad, considering he is viewed, on the basis of 'The Wasp Factory' and 'The Crow Road', as being one of this nation's greatest novelists.

Unable to shake the disappointment, I went back his work.  I've read pretty much all of them, though I couldn't get on with the sci-fi stuff - its too 'teenage boy' for me.  At the time I read it, I really liked it.  It inspired me.  Who couldn't love a novel that begins with the line:

It was the day my grandmother exploded.

I always thought 'The Crow Road' was one of those novels I would carry with me till I die, reading over and over again.  Now I look at it and think, 'meh'.

Is it possible to grow out of a novelist? I suppose I grew out of Jean Plaidy and Tom Clancy.  I can't believe I have grown out of Banksie.  I find myself craving more complex prose.  Something more poetic.  Less sensationalist.  I didn't come out of that session at UEA feeling inspired the way I did after I saw AL Kennedy or Jeanette Winterson, only a couple of months ago.  And I want to be inspired now. 

It isn't Banksie that has changed.  He won't change - you can tell that from his trousers.  Its me.